I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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