Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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