When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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