Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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