so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
