Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
