Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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