i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
