Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
