your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
