I just saw a hot homeless man
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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