Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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