I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He passed out mid-signature
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
A+ Viking dick
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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