Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize