You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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