woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize