I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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