please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
