I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
