FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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