I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize