Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize