Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I came so hard my ears popped.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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