Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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