I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I cut my penus on the lid.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
