You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
