My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
