At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
