NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
