Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
