jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
