My Higher Power is John Stamos
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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