Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
