i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
