I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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