Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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