You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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