Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize