So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
