The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
