I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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