i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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