dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
