My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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