Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
