The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i out mim tonsoeep
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