I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
