im six kinds of drunk right now
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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