got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
