I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize