I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
