If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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