Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
