i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
