New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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