I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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