im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
