So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
