no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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