guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize