i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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