I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
