I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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